look out below

you know how right before a plane lands it dumps its excess fuel so that in case of a crash it'll only become a fiery inferno instead of a RAGING inferno?

at least i think this is true. someone told me this the other day and it seems like a waste of perfectly good fuel to me.

how about this -- you know how right before a jump into hyperspace, an imperial star destroyer will dump its trash, conveniently allowing renegade rebel space ships on the run to blend in with the other "space junk" and drift away to safety -- provided they don't look out their rear view window and notice the OTHER space ship belonging to a ruthless bounty hunter following, like, forty meters behind them?

that's what i'm doing with this blog. i've got too many stories to tell from '007 that are just cluttering up my mind...floating around. too much space junk. it's high time for some jettisoning. time to cleanse my blog palate for 2008.

A. RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT

a few weeks ago i was stopped at a red light on virgil and beverly/temple. it was around 7:30pm and i noticed a very attractive african american woman in the car next to me. she was sitting in the front passenger side seat, the window was rolled down completely, and her chin was resting on the door. her eyes were closed and her face had a very relaxed expression, like a child in the middle of a pleasant dream.

and then i noticed the little string of DROOL trickling down from her chin. but this was no ordinary drool. this drool was a little...pink.

then i saw more pink drool, trickling down the sides of the car. only this pink drool had CHUNKS of pink in it.

that's no drool...that's...that's...

THEN SHE ERUPTED!

"HuuuUUUUURLLL!"

Chunks of pink, flying everywhere! Chunks of pink, slipping, sliding down the side of the car. Vesuvius was no longer dormant.

That was close. A few more inches and she woulda hit my car...

"HUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRLLLLL!"

More pink! This time one grazed my antenna, a warning shot fired across my bow.

The light was still red.

Come on, come on...damn you, light! turn! TURN! GREEN! GREEN!

PPIIIIINNNNNKKKKKK!

Even closer!

I couldn't handle it. I inched my car as far away from hers as possible, my nose hanging out into the intersection, just asking to be hit.

I looked over at the girl, who suddenly was not so attractive after all. steam was coming out of her nostrils...her ears...her eyelids had opened, revealing eyeballs that had rolled back in their sockets, showing me their creamy white underbellies.

the ground started to quake. this was it. it was coming.

now my car was shaking...

RED

the street lamps were swaying...

RED

a jagged crack split the crosswalk...

RED

the girl extended her neck...tipped her head back...and...KA-BLOOOOOEY!

GREEN!

my chuck taylor smacked the gas pedal so hard my four cylinders didn't know what hit them. with an unprecedented adrenaline boost the Camry was airborne across that intersection, the acidic shower of pink chunks raining down harmlessly on my vapors.

the moral of the story:

um...ummm... not all pretty black sleepy girls are as they first seem?

weaksauce, i know.

B. PA ON ICE

My mother sent me these pics a couple weeks ago. They're from the ice storm that struck the northeast back in early december...





and i call this next one, "get in ma belly!"

mmmm. meat.

actually, i've been cutting back on my red meat consumption as of late.

C. UNDER PRESSURE

i had my yearly physical a few weeks back. yes, i know, i look like the epitome of "good health". but it appears i am the victim of a killer slowly attacking my organs, one heart beat at a time. they call this beast the "silent killer." yes, i, matt white, have high blood pressure.

i had borderline h.b.p. last year at my physical. but this year i scored through the roof. 150/100. (anything under 120/80 is normal) so now i pop a pill every morning, cut back on the cold cuts, cut back on the drinking (ha!), and wait til the grim reaper comes a rat-a-tat-tattin' on my door.

funny thing tho. i've been monitoring my b.p. at home ever since my appointment and it hasn't been NEARLY as high. but, hey. when you're sitting in a cold room in just your undies knowing that at any minute a middle-aged man is gonna come through that door and put his hand down your panties, you'd be a little "tense" too.

D. THE MIRACLE OF LIFE

Congratulations to Nehal and Jenny (Nehnny) who gave birth to this darling little girl, Lila Jade on December 21st.


Jenny smoked and drank her way through pregnancy, and as you can see, Lila ain't wastin' no time.

And here's the G33saman family -- Ryan and Stacy with their little naked gossling, Ryker.


Meet the Glenzu's. Mommy, D.J. Daddy Kebi, and the irresistibly cute Lil' Lisa. Lisa's mommy is Japanese, daddy is American, but her hair is 100% Kim Jong-Il.



and of course there's little Robby, the newest addition to my family. i had the pleasure of meeting Robby at Thanksgiving, and i'm pleased to report he doesn't look like an alien NEARLY as much as he used to just a few months ago.


Welcome to the world, kids! i look forward to watching you grow up. from a distance.

D. EXPELIARMUS!

Another kid whose journey into adulthood i enjoyed following was Harry Potter. 2007 brought about the end of the Potter books, although we still have two more movies coming to disappoint us.

and i must say, well done J.K. sure, you're no J.R.R.R.R. Tolkien, JR. you might not write with the elegance of C.S.S.R. Lewis. but your likable little wizard captured the hearts (and wallets) of BILLIONS as he strove to merely complete his destiny by ridding the world of an unspeakable evil. what's so bad about that?

as for Dumbledore...

well, i saw that coming a mile away. i've got a natural knack for spotting gay wizards. i can pick 'em out of a crowd like THAT. i've got what they call..."Gizdar".

there are gay wizards all around us. you probably have met some and don't even know it...


take Dumbledore, for instance. old. single. beard. pet bird. not fond of pants. wears rings. the writing's on the wall, folks. the wall of the Hogwarts Mens Room, that is.

then of course there's Gandalf the Grey/White. enjoys re-inventing himself. has a horse that matches his outfit. obsessed with jewelry (again with the rings), likes smoking the pipe -- endless.

must I even go on? beard. hermit. knows how to handle a sword. has an apartment in West Mos Eisley. vacations at Fire Island, Dagobah. it's all so obvious.


then there's this guy. sure he's no wizard, but he does keep a magic wand in his pocket for all the muscly-armed paper boys in town.


which is why i keep this little action figure by my bedside -- as a reminder to me, that if i'm not married by the time i'm 32, THIS is my DESTINY...


E. TOP TEN LIST

Lot of great movies in 2007! Here's my Top Ten favorite, in no particular order:

1. No Country for Old Men

2. Hairspray (i know, but i can't help it)

3. There Will Be Blood

4. 3:10 to Yuma

5. Darjeeling Ltd.

6. Ratatouille

7. The Bourne Ultimatum

8. Hot Fuzz

9. Into the Wild

10. Spiderman 3

*JUST KIDDING*

10. Lars and the Real Girl


F. HANSON-ED

the other night i was at Barney's Beanery and i got "Hanson-ed".

i haven't been Hanson-ed since 1997! -- when i was a freshman in college and had hair down almost to my shoulders that was dyed blond and i looked like a girl. come to think of it, the fact that i kept getting Hanson-ed is WHY i cut my hair that fall.

but there i was at the Beanery, enjoying a beer, chatting with this girl, and all of a sudden she hits me with it out of NOWHERE...

"do you know who you look like?"

"no. who?" i lied, expecting the usual, and taking a huge sip of my beer.

"ZACH HANSON!"

SPRRRRRAAAAAAAYYYYYY. my heff went everywhere.

"what the f*ck?!"

"Zach Hanson. the youngest Hanson. the drummer -- "

"i KNOW who he is, alright! Gosh! Look...I gotta get up early tomorrow. I'm goin' home."

and with that, I left...her with the bill. oh well. bitch.

i drove home near tears, scanning my memory banks for any and all images of Zach Hanson. i remember he was shorter...a little on the pudgy side...with long girly dark blond hair. surely i don't look like him! surely that girl was INSANE!

i ran to my laptop and immediately googled "Hanson" and this is what i found...

there they are. 10 years later. the Hanson brothers.
Isaac, the oldest one (in the middle) is still a bit fugly. but i'm diggin' his hair.
Taylor, the middle one (on the right) is still the prettiest girl i've ever seen.
and then there's little Zach (on the left). my how he's grown. still got a little of that facial chub. but nice thick hair. nicely groomed eyebrows. nostrils look equally proportioned...

and i realized, that girl was giving me a compliment. Zach Hanson is a sexy young mo-fo. i shoulda made love to that girl on the spot. and i blew it. Matt White blows it again, folks. i really did. i had a feeling she was the one, too. she was the one...

FOOL! what was i thinking?! i mean, surely it could've been worse. i've GOTTEN worse.

i was "Phil Hartman-ed" TWICE while waiting tables back in 2001. not even on the same day! not even by the same people! separate occasions! months apart!

if that's not a blow to a 22 year old's self esteem, i don't know what is!

No, sir. I'd much rather stick with my normal "do-you-know-who-you-look-likes".
Matt Damon with a dash of Jim Carrey.

but then there's this guy...

i've gotten "Ricky" a few times as well. mostly from my Nanny White, God bless her soul. she always said i was her "little Ricky Martin." i don't think she realized that was a bit of an insult. i mean sure, he's ridiculously good-looking and all, but come on -- Matt Damon is a genius. Matt Damon kicks ass. Matt Damon sleeps with an Oscar under his pillow!

Ricky Martin shakes his bon-bon.

and besides, i look better in a speedo.



G. "G" as in GOODBYE, DOUBLE-O-SEVEN

I had high, high hopes for '007.

sure, i had some successes. i had a great year of employment, beefed up my resume on some quality shows, got to travel to some awesome places (i.e. Mexico City). i also paid off all my credit cards, dug myself out of a financial mire, and for the first time in my adult life finally have a savings account with more than $100 in it.

BUT...that Big Break...that moment when opportunity knocks/strikes, lifting me out of the galleys and onto a career path of writing, producing, directing... still has not come.

and i've got no one to blame but myself. ...but maybe the writers' strike did screw things up a teensy bit (but i'm 100% behind you writers, strike on!)

this year, 2008, i'm making the switch. these past few years i've been spending 75 - 90% of my time working and 25 - 10% furthering my creative career. on that rate, i should be getting my lucky break, oh, around 2032.

but THIS year, it's all about ME, baby. my goal is to work as little as possible and write as MUCH as possible. i gots the ideas. i gots the yarns to spin. it's all about having the time now.

and a little more discipline sure would help.

but i can't help but wonder if/when that Break comes, if i'm destined for that classic case of "be careful what you wish for..." because if life is really about the pursuit of HAPPINESS...then that Big Break has already come. cuz, honestly, i can't imagine being any happier.

really. seriously. i'm still just about broke, i don't have a nice car, i don't own my house, i'm single with no end in sight, and i've got a so-so career doing something i don't really want to be doing.

and yet...i'm happy. ??? i think -- i know -- i take for granted how many people can't say that.

i guess that just makes me the luckiest guy in the world.



2007, it's been nice knowing you. i've kissed loved ones goodbye, and i've welcomed new loved ones in. i watched close friendships slowly dissolve, while others i'd left for dead were rekindled. you've been a mixed bag. a mixed bag of nuts. and fortunately for me, i love nuts. they're high in protein.


i'm hopping on a plane in a couple hours for my return flight back to LA. i haven't been this excited to start a brand new year in a long, long time.

2008, get ready. i'm making you ma bitch.

til next time...