my friends, the Mother Of All Blogs has begun.
join me, as we take a little trip backwards in time...
to LAST NIGHT.
when i arrived home, to find one of THESE things on the wall of my bedroom.
Scutigera coleoptrata
the House Centipede
or as i came to know them while growing up...
the dreaded "Thousand-legger."
probably my least favorite of all God's creation, second only to the earwig.
and i can come up with 1,002 reasons why.
so there we were, face to face. (a coupla silver spoooooons...)
there was just no way in Hell i was going to bed with that thing as my roommate.
so i took off my flip flop... climbed up on a chair....took aim....and...and......THWACK!
MISSED!!
the Thousand-legger fell (practically floated) to the ground and scrambled for cover...
RIGHT UNDER MY BED.
it was 12:30am. i was way too exhausted to go rooting around under that bed. who KNOWS what's under there. i haven't seen that square of carpet since i assembled that bed after a trip to Ikea nearly 3 years ago. there could be dozens of 'leggers down there...maybe thousands.
so i hopped online and went to wikipedia. surely that would help settle my nerves. after a brief search i found what i was looking for.
did you know Thousand-leggers originated from the Mediterranean region and have followed humans around as civilization has spread...to the Orient...to the West...perhaps even to the Moon! it was only in the last 100 years that they even made it to southern California, and they can live 6 years or more. they're also the number one eater of spiders, roaches, bed bugs and other pesky insectoids.
all that didn't make me feel ANY better. but what DID, was this...
"In Japan, these creatures are referred to as gejigeji (ゲジゲジ?) and enjoy a level of popularity. They can often be seen for sale in pet stores."
Pet Thousand-leggers??! gotta love those Japanese. they've tamed the un-tamable. i hear in some instances, they even use them as babysitters...
...as shown here, as this T.L. tucks in this precious Asian baby.
that night i slept soundly, confident my friend the Thousand-Legger was below me, protecting me from God-Knows-What.
i guess you could say, i slept like a baby.
an Asian baby.
unlike LAST THURSDAY NIGHT....
after i got home from the Arcade Fire concert at the Hollywood Bowl.
i love the A.F. but for some reason...i just wasn't "into" it that night.
perhaps it was the swarm of drunken, stoned hipsters i seemed to have found myself in the middle of, who kept screaming "play Wake Up! play Tunnels!" while dancing/stumbling/gyrating their way through the entire night. obnoxious.
that'd be like going to a Bruce Springsteen show and screaming "play Born to Run!" or hollering "Start Me Up!!" at the Stones. come on! it's the Arcade Fire. they've got 22 songs to their name. sit back, shut up, and let them do their shit.
i gotta say, i don't think i've ever left a concert and been LESS of a fan of a band than i was going into the show. but that's pretty much what happened. and you can thank those lousy hipsters for that.
or perhaps it was because earlier that day (unbeknownst to me at the time) 3,000 miles away a girl failed to look both ways before pulling out into a busy street, causing an on-coming vehicle to plow into her at 45mph. that on-coming vehicle just happened to be driven by my mother. thankfully she's fine. her VW, not so much. so perhaps the universe was sending some bad vibes my way, keeping me from kicking back and having a good time...
or maybe i was just plan exhausted from a crazy week of work. which brings us to
LAST WEDNESDAY NIGHT...
and the Season Finale of Last Comic.
and here he is, the Last Comic Standing himself, the man from Hickory, Mr. Jon Reep, about to boogie down with my co-worker Stephanie.
Jon's a great guy, super funny...but i can't help but feel that Lavell (giant Jabba-the-Hutt-like black dude) got robbed.
that's Amy Schumer, who made it into the Top 5. her act is a bit Silverman-ish, but she's even more hilarious behind the scenes.
we bonded earlier this season while talking about her dad's cousin, Senator Chuck Schumer of NY. he saved me from paying about $700 in unfair hospital bills a few years back. (long story)
there we are, the LCS script department. Lisa, me, and Tim, oh so very happy to have our lives back.
EARLIER THAT DAY...
that's Tim and I backstage, a few minutes before show-time.
a 2-hour finale is a major production. we had the USC Marching Band, puppets... i think the network forgot we're a show about stand-up comedy.
yet, thankfully, it went off without a hitch...
still, few people were happier that the season was over than the script team.
this season has taken us from...
night shoots at Medieval Times...
to other night shoots at the LA Coliseum.
nocturnal craziness ensued.
(yes i know the sun's still up in this pic, but you have to get to set early)
BACK AT THE OFFICE...
that's me with producer/writer/comedienne Page Hurwitz.
in the off-season she earns her keep as Carrie Fisher's stunt double.
and this is it. how i spent 90% of my summer. glued to my computer keyboard, my pet raccoon thirsting for food and attention. neither of which would ever come.
needless to say, it was enough to drive a man...
CRAAAAZY.
i'd thrown a fun toga party two summers back, and since Hollywood loves a sequel, i decided it was time to launch Part II.
this time, it was personal.
personal enough that a few of my old friends from summer camp flew out for it.
and of course, a couple Japanese.
i explained to them earlier that an American toga party is a form of "costume party."
so they showed up in street clothes with Minnie Mouse ears and a Mexican wrestler mask.
after a quick trip to my linen closet, all was well.
LA can be pretty lame when it comes to theme party participation. but for some reason people love a good toga.
i got a keg of MGD and refused to go to bed until it was kicked.
mission accomplished.
yet there were a few casualties.
UNLIKE THREE WEEKS EARLIER...
when a small gang and i drove out to Vegas for the weekend.
we crashed with Robo-won, who was out there working for the summer.
here are the laaaadies before a night on the town.
it was also one of my last chances to hang with pal Dae before he moved to Denver.
i'm gonna miss that cowbell.
it was HOOOOOOTTTT.
luckily, thanks to some insider information, we were able to Ocean's-11 our way in to the MGM pool.
fishin' for cancer...
what a great weekend. hadn't had that much fun since...
TWO WEEKS PRIOR...
at my 28th birthday party.
this was my first birthday spent in LA, and i could think of no better place to host it than my most favorite dive bar in the universe.
The Roost.
here's a mini NYU reunion, with Herman, Pete, Schofield B. Demille, me, and Patrick (all the way from Deutschland)
Jordan and Neighbor Eric made an appearance.
(Alex the Jerk did not)
Matt 'n Terrence. fellow Pennsylvanianites.
my Polynesian friend Duke Randave Mendineutomolloyappawakiwakidingo
and his girlfriend "Trish."
the mischievous Mr. Tom Rice with lady bell Jess Mitchell...
these girls...
Whitey Ford posin' with Allentown...
Bryan and Cleve...
the comedic stylings of Schofield and Mitchell...
shots!
(Going...)
Luigi, Pauley Price, and Dae...
(Going...)
Danny Mo and Danny Wall...
(Gone.)
What a great birthday. Good times, good drinks, with good friends. I hadn't been that liquored up in a long time.
In fact, I was just about as drunk as my parents were when...
28 YEARS AND 9 MONTHS EARLIER...
...this happened.
that's all folks!
don't forget to tip your waiter and waitress. good night.
